Read More On Kim and Steve’s advice for healing an abusive marriage at: Narcissism Cured

You Can Make a Difference!

1. •You Can’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover
   

2. •The Violence is Not Always Inflicted by the Perpetrator or Abusive party
   

3. •NPD is NOT Untreatable or Incurable
   

4. •It’s NOT Lack of Self Respect or Stupidity that Keeps a victim from leaving
   

First let’s clear up some common misconceptions ...

You Can’t Judge a Book by it’s Cover

You can’t pick a Domestic Violence (DV) family by looking superficially. DV perpetrators are quite commonly sufferers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which means that they are highly skilled at charming and deceiving people. If anything, they might seem a bit too good to be true. Others may envy the victim in this family and the perpetrator may win praise, respect and admiration for his or herself in public, while being a very different person in private. The perpetrator may appear to be a model husband or wife, or the perfect father or mother to the outside world and possibly give the impression that their family members are really not good enough for them. The perpetrator may often tell lies about their partner to gain sympathy from others.

The Violence is Not Always Inflicted by the Perpetrator

Perpetrators are intimidating and their relationships tend to deteriorate into violence. They do not take to being questioned or held accountable and when faced with this they will either lie, become angry and intimidating, or fly into a rage. They are also much more likely to harm their victims than vice versa. The abuse more generally, however, tends to be verbal and emotional, with them treating their partner as inferior, spoiling anything that brings happiness or pleasure to their family and that is not centred on them, being sarcastic, haughty and critical in private, while pretending to be a model citizen in public.

It is normal for the partner of someone like this to become angry when treated this way, particularly because the perpetrator will not care about the distress this causes or listen to any kind of reason in changing their ways. Also children tend to side with the parent who they perceive as more powerful, so the victim may feel truly heartbroken and hopeless when their children seem to side against them.

Movies like Tootsie, and some authorities (like one doctor I saw) may even advise women victims to use violence to get the abuser to stop what they are doing, saying such things as “Just clobber him one,” etc. However, because women are at a physical disadvantage in a fight, a woman can only hope to win and escape danger if she renders a man unconscious, blind or severely injured enough to stop him from retaliating. This is obviously uneducated and dangerous advice. Victims rarely injure perpetrators badly, but they do lose their temper and break and destroy things, scream and shout, etc., and they do attack and sometimes even kill their abusive partners. It is quite common for victims to fantasize for years about their abusive partner dying or even of them killing their  mate.

The perpetrator will often make the victim feel guilty that they started the fight because they lost their temper and pushed or hit them. The perpetrator however was most likely putting a lot of energy into provoking their partner and he or she will hurt the victim much worse when they retaliate. Many people will tell the victim not let the abuse get to them and just to ignore it. Quite simply, this is not realistic advice. If someone is lying to you in order to control more of the household resources, including money and time (as is commonly the case with people suffering from NPD), just ignoring it is not the right answer.

NPD is NOT Untreatable or Incurable

My husband got better, so I know there is hope for those suffering from NPD. The main proponent who says that NPD is incurable is unqualified, a full blown sufferer and active abuser himself who is not attempting to get better (all despite his mock credentials and prolific writing on the subject). No one has the right to tell anyone that they must leave their husband or wife and have no contact with them because they are suffering from a personality disorder. This is reckless and irresponsible. There is an online petition by NPD suffers and their families to have this situation reviewed and more qualified and accurate research made into this disorder.

It is not Lack of Self Respect that Keeps a Victim From Leaving

This is a very common misconception. I will list in point form why this needs to be reassessed.

1. 1.Abandonment is what the abuser is usually most scared of and it is what provokes much of their bad behaviour. Beyond the victim taking themselves and their children to a shelter and leaving their home and entire life behind, the abuser is not going to make it easy in any way for them to leave. Even if they do, the abuser is usually so emotionally dependent that they will not leave the victim and kids alone. Leaving will mean that the victim loses all material security while often putting themselves and their kids potentially in even more danger.
   

2. 2.Deep down, victims usually feel some guilt or self-blame. It is very hard to comprehend how callus someone with NPD can be. The victim will think that they must be deficient in some way or have done something to warrant this scorn. They will probably also feel guilty for how angry the abuser makes them and will likely feel deep down, that they are at least partially to blame.
   

3. 3.Victims may fear losing their children to their abusive partner and a step parent who they have no jurisdiction over. Their partners childishness and irresponsibility may cause very real concerns about who they might pair up with and how capable they might be at looking after the kids even for short court ordered visits.
   

4. 4.Victims may fear standing up to the abuser in court.  Remember that perpetrators are very skilled at seducing and charming others to their side and confusing the issues.  So, these fears may be very well founded.
   

5. 5.Victims are often financially unable to leave. Perpetrators are notorious for interweaving and complicating their finances with their partner in an attempt to cover their own irresponsibility with money and make it impossible for their partner to have any real control of their own finances.
   

6. 6.Many victims still love their partner, knowing that their partner is sick, and hope that they will get better. This should not be laughed at or underestimated. The victim is the closest person to the perpetrator and will most likely have a better idea of the real trauma and pain and lack of parental guidance that they have experienced in the past that led them becoming this way. Steve had been through two family break ups and abuse by a step father growing up and despite his bad behaviour, I knew that he would be completely shattered as a person if our family ‘disintegrated’ as his others had. I did not like the image of him as a broken drunk on the street or even worse... I still loved him and wanted help for him to get better.
   

7. 7.Often, victims may have been through other abusive relationships and rightly fear leaving to have the same thing happen again. Saving the marriage may be the only way that that victims can be assured that they have healed and ‘saved’ themselves.
   

- My Recommendations -

For Ministers & the Clergy

You are in a unique situation with your people skills and position to know and witness families and their behaviour regularly and at close hand. With some education on the subject you may come to accurately suspect DV in some families in your congregation. How you choose to encourage the victim to feel safe enough to come talk to you is probably left to your best discretion, but obviously you should not air your suspicions outright in case you are wrong, but simply make it clear that you are there if they need anything.

If someone in your congregation does disclose that their partner is intimidating at home, there are many things that you can do to help improve the marriage and children’s home life and emotional and physical well being to this family. DV can only continue if the perpetrator has no fear of being discovered and feels that they are more powerful and influential than their partner. You have an opportunity (unique to your position in the victim’s life) to quickly expand this person’s network of social contacts and influence and help right this power imbalance.

Here are my suggestions...

1. 1.Offer to contact the DV officer at your local police station for them, or introduce them to any well educated and understanding police or community service workers that you know, making a point of finding and getting to know these people in advance.
   

2. 2.Offer volunteered or paid work in the church that will lift the victims profile and standing amongst their peers and in the community while extending their network of friends and support people. Victims are likely to be intelligent and capable people, when given an opportunity.
   

3. 3.In the case of a victim who is a woman, let some of the older (and wiser) women in your congregation know that her husband is not always showing the same kindness to his family in private as in public and see if they might drop over now and then for a pre-arranged cup of tea and a chat with her.
   

4. 4.Offer support with addiction counseling that you feel the victim might benefit from if they are leaning on alcohol, cigarettes, prescription or non-prescription drugs. The victim overcoming these addictions will make them a lot stronger.
   

5. 5.See if you can arrange another church member who is an accountant or works in a bank to help them get their finances sorted out.
   

6. 6.Give sermons about humility, arrogance and hypocrisy that help bring these issues more into the open with your congregation.
   

7. 7.In whatever way possible encourage and praise the abusers smaller and more solid contributions to their family and community rather than their bigger and flashier ones. Praise and encourage their parenting skills, patience, his being a devoted husband or wife, etc., and try to steer them away from leading the choir, being in roles of authority or where they have any chance of showing off.
   

8. 8.Give sermons on point 7. There are so many men in particular who need praise for helping with the housework and their children’s homework, helping their wives balance their finances, etc., in a world that will often tell them that these things are beneath them and that they should be going for the flashy car or the PhD. I am privileged in my work to see how men will light up and glow when these smaller and often unpaid roles that they take are respected and valued in public discussion. The relief at having the pressure removed to be more than what they really feel that they are and the satisfaction in being acknowledged to be able to offer tangible and solid assistance rather than unrealistic fame is sometimes quite overwhelming.
   

9. 9.Parent the perpetrator. If the chance arises to tell the abuser that you disapprove of their treatment of their family, do so. Make sure that you make it clear at the same time that they are not being abandoned or ex-communicated. Don’t be too interested in their side of the story. You are not a marriage counsellor and you don’t want to get that deeply involved, as with the victim, just focus on the fact that their partner is feeling intimidated. The abuser is an exceptionally skilled liar in these circumstances so be ready to hold your ground. Who is right or wrong is not the issue. The fact that their partner feels intimidated is.
   
   Look and see if there is someone in this person’s life that might be expecting too much of them and praising them for the wrong things (this may even be their partner). If you can, talk to this person about your concerns. I have many times needed to represent Steve’s better interests in this way, with social workers and careers advisors that see his natural charm and want to pump him up to be a big success story in their own career. In this case it is often quite easy for someone else to step in and politely suggest that perhaps he is better off concentrating on his home duties and parenting skills and that success and praise for this is what is now required. Any reference to DV charges should put things into instant perspective if necessary.
   
   You may also hold enough sway to get them involved in some parent training or similar. If so be certain that the instructor is highly qualified, is the same sex as the perpetrator and has a higher social status, income, etc., than them too. Someone who can do some fill-in parenting and mentoring would be ideal. Whatever the study course, make sure that they are given no special treatment and made to finish every step. More than anything, most perpetrators have lacked proper guidance and a parental figure that they felt they could trust (and was too smart for them to manipulate). They have often given up faith that anyone is truly worthy of their trust, so whoever attempts this role must be very solid, no nonsense, and very committed. In my experience NPD men (in particular) just soak up attention and direction from an older man. The older man in this case should have a committed and solid relationship with their own wife and kids if the same outcome is to be hoped for with his charge.
   

10. 10.Assess the suitability of their job. Steve was a bartender and there was no way that he would have gotten better working in that job. Perhaps you are able to suggest or find someone who might offer something more appropriate than what they are currently doing? Be sure to find out their partner’s feelings about your ideas first. People with NPD tend to get very carried away with their work and what ever they do needs to fit in with and be consistent with their families needs.
    

For Police

You are in a role where you have the power to save families. You can do more than anyone can to help. The victim does not have the resources to stand up to their partners bad behaviour, but you do. The more firm and clear you are in the role outlined here, the faster that the perpetrator will see that they cannot continue what they are doing and they will stop. Most perpetrators don’t pick on people who are stronger than them, but they pick on their partners because they believe that they can get away with it. You can show the perpetrator that he or she is wrong and that their partner has your support.

If a victim has called the police, they are scared and most likely angry too. The situation they have called about has probably happened many times before and they may have no idea of how they are expected to behave when you are there. On the other hand, the perpetrator with NPD will be more likely to know how to attempt to win your allegiance using charm, manipulation, and even lies. The best advice a policeman ever gave me was for me to come and talk to them when I was calm and nicely dressed, and to not wait until I was upset to call. He explained that the police see upset people all the time and that they find it hard to deal with. He said I should really try not to cry when I talked to the police because they hated that. I appreciated his honesty. That advice helped me a lot, and the police that I needed to deal with probably appreciated it too.

It is very important that you know how charming and deceitful NPD sufferers are. All criminals blame their victims, so don’t let yourself be deceived. Just because someone is upset or irrational doesn’t mean that they are crazy or causing the trouble. NPD suffers provoke this response in others. Steve was shocked in the beginning at how easily he could get the police to side against me even when he had done terrible things to me. Asking some very simple and straight-forward questions to her in private, but where he can see you talking to her will help. If someone is lying, it is hard for them to keep their story straight if they don’t know what is being said. This was they best technique that the D.V. officer who helped us used. He didn’t take sides but he would talk with me seriously for up to 20 minutes with Steve on the other side of glass doors, Steve started getting very nervous after this.  Since he didn’t know what had been said, it became very hard for him to keep making up stories, and he began to drop the nasty games ...

You might ask the victim:

“Do you feel intimidated by your partner?”

“Did you feel scared of him/her when you called?”

“Does he/she hurt you?”

“Do you need to see a doctor?”

“Do you feel scared of him/her now?”

“Do you think that you will be OK when we go?”

“Does he/she embarrass you in front of your friends, or tell you that you are an embarrassment?”

“Do you have money of your own? Or does he/she control all of the money?”

“Does he/she make fights when you try and discuss money?” (This is a sign the perpetrator may have credit cards that the victim doesn’t know about and that the perpetrator is financing these cards with the victim’s money.)

After receiving the answers to these questions, all responsibility for the situation should now be directed at the perpetrator as would be the case in any public assault. I am amazed at the number of times I dealt with the police who never once said a word to my husband but directed everything at me... Don’t make that mistake, instead say to the perpetrator:

“Your partner feels intimidated by you and it is our role to defend her/his safety.”

“We will encourage your partner to apply for an AVO [or whatever is similar in your area] and if this does not curb your behaviour you will be put in jail.”

“You do not have the right to intimidate people even if they are your family.”

“You should show your partner better respect.”

In front of the perpetrator, invite the victim to visit the police station to meet the DV officer. Say “Don’t wait until there is trouble again, we want to help you.” If appropriate give the victim help to get an AVO and encourage the victim to proceed, and if appropriate, reassure the victim that there will not be any fines involved and that the process is to show his or her partner that his or her behaviour needs to change and it does not mean that he or she will have to get divorced.

In front of the perpetrator say to the victim - “If you feel scared or intimidated again you call us immediately, we will be in the area.”

Make sure that the victim feels safe for you to leave and if not take the perpetrator back to the station to cool off for a few hours.

The whole focus needs to be on the fact that the perpetrator does not have a legal right to intimidate the victim and that the victim has the right and responsibility to call on you if he does.

You will probably be aware of other community social workers that you can link the victim up with for support. If not, become familiar with these and if possible learn a bit about them so that you can recommend good ones that still have hope and not ones that are going to put all the emphasis on the victim having to leave the perpetrator. If it needs to come to that it will. For now, you need to be concerned with giving the very clear message to the perpetrator that you are not going to get into a dialogue with him or her, and that the victim feeling intimidated is all that concerns you. You need to make it clear that it is unacceptable for the perpetrator to intimidate the victim and that you will protect the victim’s legal right to feel safe and secure in his or her own home.

When you leave call the victim by her full name, “Thanks Mr/Mrs. _________ it is good that you called.” Don’t call the perpetrator by name.  Just look at the perpetrator with a watchful eye.

I know how under-staffed and difficult your job is (I have the highest regard for those with the mettle to do police work) so just remember, the more clearly that you encourage the victim to call if s/he needs you and the more clearly you let the perpetrator see that you will be happy to cart him or her off, the fewer times that the victim will need to call you.

For Doctors

The doctors that I saw after being injured by my husband were so utterly and genuinely distressed at their lack of ability to help me that not once was I even examined! This is a mistake. My father was a GP for his whole life. If a victim comes in after being assaulted, it is very important that you give him or her an examination and treat this person with kindness! I know that some doctors are afraid that victims might be lying about their injuries to get custody of their kids and so they feel very scared about what to do. It isn’t always possible to know how an injury was received or who started the violence. DV perpetrators tend to be experts at provoking their wives and so there is even a good chance that the victim ‘threw the first punch.’ If you look at the statistics however, it is much more likely that the perpetrator is going to hurt the victim physically than the victim hurt the perpetrator. It is not your role to decide if the victim is telling the truth or who started the fight but you do need to accurately document any injuries, with a camera if possible, and make sure that there aren’t deeper wounds like cracked bones or internal bleeding, etc.

Helping introduce this victim to police and community services officials who are educated in these matters will be of enormous help. Marriage counseling should not be recommended in these cases. You can recommend support counseling for the victim’s anxiety, unresolved emotions around this, etc., but it is vital that you encourage the victim to contact the police. If you can take the time to meet with the head of DV with your local police, this is best. Discuss these ideas and see if you can find someone who will support victims that you refer to them and defend their right to live and feel safe in their homes without being made to feel that it is their responsibility to leave. If you can tell the victim who to talk to, and reassure the victim that the support personell will not pressure him or her to leave the victim will be more likely to see them.

You are in the unique position to educate the victim about the cycle of violence and to warn of the physical danger that s/he is in and that things will not get better without some form of intervention. You may legally be obliged to report this incident to the police yourself and this is probably a good idea. Having taken the time to find someone that you respect and that you know in the police force that is well educated on these matters, will obviously help any victim. Introduce the victim on the phone to this person by name and/or tell the victim to say that you are his or her doctor when s/he goes to see them. It is very important that you respect the victim and treat him or her as a valuable community member that you do not mind introducing to others. DV thrives when its victims are socially shunned.

If you are her partner’s doctor you may gain some ideas from my advice to ministers and clergy on how you can help him or her, or anyone who admits to this problem.

For Family Members and friends of victims

If a person you know is a victim in a DV marriage, encourage this person to contact the police and if possible give him or her a copy of my guide “Back from the Looking Glass” which will help him or her be confident and ready to do so. Encourage this person to talk about the abuse rather than  his or her partner. This will help the victim get ready for any dealings with the authorities.

Help the victim learn to call intimidation by its name instead of discriminating between physical and verbal abuse. If someone puts you down, calls you names, is haughty and sarcastic to you when you are expressing genuine needs, etc., it is as intimidating as if they threaten you physically. NPD sufferers are experts at confabulation which means that they twist and confuse issues and that they lie. Helping the victim get really simple in his or her language of how to deal with this is something very important that you can offer. She will need this when she deals with the police. “I felt intimidated by my partner and I didn’t know what to do and was scared” is all she needs to say. If the victim talks about his or her partner (rather than the behaviour) it gives the perpetrator spaces to squeeze out of.

Tell the victim directly if you think that he or she needs to give his or her kids more attention, cut back on drinking, prescription or non prescription drugs, etc., Don’t let the victim use what the perpetrator is doing as an excuse. You can say, ‘Yes but you need to be strong to tackle this’. This may be hurtful for the victim to hear, but it will help in the long run. It is important for friends and family to be able to be honest while still being supportive, saying, “Just complaining about things isn’t going to change things, you need to face reality and start taking action.” I have my mother and another friend to thank for playing this role for me which was the first and most important step to things changing.

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”Back From The Looking Glass” is my guide to help victims in domestic violence relationships take steps to get help.  Written from my experiences, this guide contains 13 essential  steps to help victims protect themselves from abuse without leaving their partner.  It is for sale at http://www.NarcissismCured.com/Our_Products.html and I hope that you will recommend this resource (or even buy it and pass it on yourself) to any woman who you feel that it may help. I am open to licensing enquiries if you feel that you can circulate this material widely. I wish that I didn’t need to charge anything for it but at present these sales finance me to continue in this work. I feel lucky to  be able to help so many people, as every day I get many grateful people writing to me.

You may reproduce this information only if you give full credit to me as the author and that you include a prominent link or printed version of these website address -

Kim’s Guide for abused women - http://www.narcissismcured.com/

Domestic Violence Advice for Ministers & Clergy, Police Officers, Doctors, Family Members & Friends - http://www.clergyanddomesticviolence.com/

I am not a PHD. Rather, I am a mother and a wife and am passionate about helping people who are struggling with the effects of NPD, because I have likely been in a similar situation. I have other ways that I could earn a living, but none better. My family is safe and intact because of the ideas outlined here and the many wonderful officials in my community that put aside the ‘just leave him’ mentality and found the courage to get involved and to support me.

Steve is a very committed husband and father now, and a very happy man! We together host “The Love Safety Net Online Radio Show” which you can subscribe to for free.  I rely on book sales and donations to continue this work so if you would like to make a contribution I would be most grateful.